Glitterbye

I feel a bit off track.  After Dan and I ended it I was resolute in what I wanted to do and where I was going to go. I ordered transcripts for college and got my head on path but it seems I am a bit scattered. I have 2 weeks till this UOP class is over and I was hoping to be cemented on knowing what was going on with WNC…but they just got my trascripts a week ago in the mail and are telling me it’s another 6 weeks. So now I am thinking I am going to continue on with another class for UOP.  I got a $500 check in the mail for my loan flow over and right now…I need that money. I am running low on food and bills need to be paid, but if I cash it that’s money I owe UOP.

Ok, so as I am writing this I realize that is my only option. Stay going to online college, pay $1000 per class but have money and stop being so lost with the damn college thing. Maybe I can find a second job and have more money so I can save and do things…but being as scattered as I am with this amount on my plate, I can only imagine adding more.

Also, my car, i swear, is about to explode. It’s making weird noises and the brakes are pretty nonexistant. I am scared as ahit to drive this thing around but what else can I do?

So I have been slacking with my updates.

I have lost a total of 44lbs since March. I am 16lbs away from being halfway to my goal weight. I need to exercise more, but the combination of heat, hormones and laziness tell me lounging is better…and oh boy is it better!

Dan and I mutually ended things around Memorial Day. He didn’t show up to bring me to an important family function and I decided I couldn’t deal with going through the constant disappointments my whole life. We knew one of us would end up unhappy, I wanted kids and marriage and a normal life…and he wanted isolation and unpredictability. I am ok with the split and am taking this time to do things for myself. I only have 7 classes left until I complete my associates then I need to decide where I want to go from there to do my bachelors. I am leaning towards moving to Reno, but that’s a huge scary step for me….so I am trying not to think too much on it right now. That’s the long and short of it for now.

Oh, and TOBY IS AWESOME!

That is all.

Theres a lot of stuff going on in my head right now. I feel like the last week I have been in this dark cocoon, it’s been lonely and stuffy and feels weird. I am heading in this direction of being a whole different person. I am losing weight, my body is changing and the person I love the most isn’t here to experience the change with me. I don’t think the person I love the most will be there in the end either, when I emerge from this cocoon. I am scared to change alone. I walked into this excited about the change, excited because I would be healthier and be a better and healthier partner. I could go on hikes and go out and be active…which is what Dan likes to do. So I am starting to realize I maybe did this more for him then I did for me and now that I am drifting away from him. I am having a hard time figuring out who I am, and who I will be. My identity, my whole life has been the fat girl…it’s always been my protection. Now that I am starting to peel that off I feel vulnerable, and the person who is supposed to protect me from the world isn’t stepping in..he’s stepping away.

So thing are coming into focus now, I need to continue peeling off these layers slowly, while easing myself into building a natural shell. One not created by emotions or another human being, but one of security in myself and the world around me. Security that people outside of a relationship care about me and are here for me. I need to get a firm grasp on who I want to be and stop trying to mold myself into a person I think someone else will love more. It only makes me unhappy and trapped.

My dad visited me in a dream last Wednesday night. It was the first time I have dreamed of him since he died in 2003. It was so vivid, so real…and heartbreaking. He was there, answering my questions…consoling me. He reminded me how strong I was and how everything would work out. I woke up feeling like I had lost him all over again. I remembered the dream again later that day and I cried. I didn’t understand why he would come to me now..7 years later. It hurt, but it felt like closure. But…today I realized why he came to me, because later that day was when Dan essentially “stepped away” from me in an email (of all places). It was just his normal every 3 month bipolar breakdown but it hurt. By the end of the night with the rememberance of the dream, the abandonment of Dan plus stress from various other things, I just curled up and cried for hours. I was in a bad place. I felt alone and heartbroken.

Here I am 8 days later when it finally hits me. My dad was warning me. I need to see this thing through, I need to do things that will be painful…but I NEED to do them for myself and for my future. I am scared, because I am not good with intense emotional situations, they tend to hamstring me, but if read my dream right…everything will be ok in the end. I need to hold onto that right now, when I feel so lost.

So as of about a week ago most of the pain is gone from the surgery. I still have a tennis ball sized scar tissue mass under my port site incision which bugs me from time to time. I haven’t been getting good sleep…my ambien no longer works. Sucks.

I have other personal love related things going on in my life that are causing me alot of doubt and stress. I am terrified of changing and getting thinner alone. I don’t want to start a new relationship as a skinny person. At least now I know if someone loves me fat…then they love me for who I am and not how I look. Nothing will be the same anymore..but i am jumping ahead of myself. My current relationship isn’t over, just feels like everything is worse then it is when we aren’t talking.

I think i am going to try to go to church or something. I have never been a religious person but i think i need something else in my life to help me feel safe and cared for. Maybe church will do that for me. I also need to learn to be positive. I manage to keep up with it for a week then it just exhausts me and the negativity floods back in.

Anyways, to end this post on a happy note, I am down 37lbs since March! I ate like crap today so that might change a little but i think i might make a goal of -40lbs by the 17th. Wish me luch!

So I have been trying to keep up with snippets on my facebook but kind of slacked here. I had severe nausea post op and ended up missing 1.5 days of work unpaid. SUCKS. I had to go in an get an unfill. Apparenty they put in 3cc’s when installing the band so they ended up just taking it out. I think the nasea was due to not eating enough.

Now I am eating more, healing and getting stronger each day. I am learning what I can and can’t eat. I am a couple weeks ahead of schedule on my eating. I should still be on liquids but I ate about a tablespoon of my boyfriends leftover ribs for breakfast and half a chicken breast for lunch. The protein works great for keeping me full, i need to focus on eating these.

I have lost 35lbs since March…7lbs since my surgery. I am trying to walk at least 7000 steps a day. This is 3000 less then a healthy level but I am still healing so I am taking it easy.

So I am post op and not feeling well at all. I totally underestimated the pain of this surgery. I thought it would be similar to the gall bladder surgery I had 2 years ago but it’s much much worse. I am regretting not having anyone here to help me. Simply leaning forward to grab something off the table 1 foot away is a chore seeing as the port is sewn into my ab muscles.

Then today severe nasea hit me and hasn’t gone away. I threw up my pain meds this morning and decided to stick with tylenol in pill form. I managed to get down a few sips of tomato soup but don’t want to try beyond that. I am exhausted and weak and have resigned myself to just laying down most of the day and only getting up when the dog needs to be let out or someone calls.It seems talking makes it worse, I think it’s related to breathing. I can control my breathes when i am focusing on them but when i am talking it just makes me sick..

This is going to be short. Had my surgery…feel like death. I need to go back to bed…more later.

Here are some pics:

So last night at about 8pm I decided I wanted to go to the gym so Dan and I got in the car, drove over there, signed up and worked out for like an hour. I did the 2 thigh exercise machines, the stairstepper and then the bike. After the bike I was WIPED, I stepped off and had jello legs. We went home, took showers then went to bed.

I woke up at midnight coughing for some reason. I got a drink of water and went back to bed. Then Dan had to get up at 2am to drive to Cali for a class, I woke up when he did but then fell back asleep. He came in at about 3am to give me a kiss goodbye. I stretched out and suddenly got THE worst charlie horse. I was half sleep which made it painfully hazy. I remember a 1 minute panic session where a did various ows and whimpering and remember Dan asking me what leg. After a minute the muscles relaxed and I was like ‘ok, it’s over”…zzZZZzz

After all that I weighed myself this morning and havent even lost a freaking ounce! Meh…4 more lbs by thursday night. Come on body!

My calf is sore this morning and I still feel like I am JUST on the edge of getting sick. I think my vitamin/echinacia/zinc therapy as well as swabbing my nose and gargling with salt water 3 times a day are holding it off just long enough to be ok by surgery. I can get sick after, but I don’t want ANYTHING to stop me from having this happen on friday.

Holy crap! I stepped on the scale this morning hoping for like 257…I am 254! 4lbs away from my pre surgery goal of -30lbs! WOW!

Ugh, I feel CRAPtastic this morning. I feel like I may be getting sick…I cannot get sick right now, theres no way I am delaying my surgery. I will tell them its allergies if I have to just to get it over with. It would be a horrid recovery but I really dont want to delay this any longer.

Also, I weight 258.6 with clothes on this morning! Which means I MAY be down to 257. 7lb away from my pre surgery goal!